Stranger in a Strange Land
What would happen if we could choose our time to die?
How would you change?
Would we still put off what could be done now?
Would we invest in ourselves differently?
How different would we treat our surroundings?
Would we still be conformist?
How would it affect our communities and governments?
How would it feel to live free from “mother nature” and therefore societies expectations? Being able to live your life aging, but not dying until you are ready. Being able to spend as much time as you want creating yourself, growing into the person you aspire to be. If we choose our own time-lines & grow at our own speed, would we become more self-aware? More individualistic? Living life free of suggestions, generalizations & traditional thinking. Deciphering for ourselves when the time is right for certain life changes. And knowing anything you do is knowledge gained and never a wasted moment.
“Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die” -Amelia Burr
In a life well lived you will lose your fear of death. I am an atheist and the only time I have prayed in years is when I was last on an airplane. 30,000 ft in the air, seat-belted into a pressurized tube, all circumstances out of my control; I found myself asking for protection. If it were unnecessary for humanity to fear death would there be religion? We would, in turn, have to trust ourselves and what we create in our lives to give us the desire for a future.
Alas, we do not possess this trait. I’ll continue to dream science-fiction to non-fiction and keep my eye on stem-cell research (: All I can do right now is trust in my decisions, continue to be open minded, push myself to grow and encourage others around me.
Things are good. I finally see a path. I’m not sure where I should start or what I think this post will accomplish. I’m not in the mood to have my mind flooded with the highs and lows of the last 6 months. I dont even want to look back over my notes.
Two whole month this post has been standing over me. I never knew how to approach it. One minute I wanted to talk about how I missed him and the next I wanted him out of my mind. It’s difficult to write about something that your body wont let you. I do miss Buckley. I’m sorry to say that two month later and still a day doesn’t go by that I dont think of him at least once. There are so many things about him that I miss. I miss how genuine he was. He never allowed himself to be anyone else when he was with me. He let me get to know him on his deepest level. I think about this and I miss him; but then I suddenly realize that he never inquired into who I was. He never read my blog. I asked him to once. He said he would. I told him part of it was sad and he said he wouldn’t read it then. “It’s all in the past, right?” he said; which I agreed upon. But there is so much more there that I’m not used to sharing with people. I didn’t know how to be intimate with him and he never inquired.
Buckley has told me that he doesn’t feel the same about me as I do him. He said he could continue seeing me, and tell me this next week, in three months or even six months down the line. But he was telling me that he didn’t feel like going into a deeper relationship with me. He said the chemistry was not there. He told me he really enjoyed our time and that he appreciated how good I was to him, and that it was only fair he tell me now. He said it was hard for him and he was scared to call, but didn’t want to put it off any longer.
He choose to avoid the topic over the weekend. Later on that week we had planned to speak before going to bed and make plans for the weekend. No call came and since it was getting late I decided to text him to see if he was still up. Half an hour later he wrote back “I’m telling Jane about you so I might be a while”. I was so shocked the blood rushed away from my skin, I turned white as a ghost. I was overwhelmed with excitement for me and terror for what Buckley & Jane were going through. I know they both love each other. Buckley and I are both highly non-confrontational so I knew what he was doing needed a stronger force to undertake. It is true that they cant be together for a multitude of reasons. They live in different states, fight constantly (he tells me) and have different plans for the future. But, it is obvious now that part of the driving force for him to end things with her was me.
I’m in the middle of some emotions right now. I like to write in order to work through emotions, but at this moment I know there is nothing I can do but wait for my answers. I might as well write about what I am experiencing at this time. Alex has found someone. She is a really great person. We are comfortable around each other and I feel like I have made a friend in her as well. I am excited to see how our relationship will grow together. They are getting along wonderfully and she has a couple friends that are poly and understands the whole situation. Alex has been so cute. He wants us to hang out as much as possible. He wants Buckley to join us, but that has been quite difficult. Buckley has so much going on I still only see him about once every other week. It’s a funny feeling hanging out with Alex and Halo. I haven’t felt like the 3rd wheel in a while. I dont mind it at all. I am happy they are together. I would like the four of us to hang out, it’s just a logistical issue right now.
Alex has been stressing about dating for some time. Things just haven’t gone as well for him as he had hoped. Meanwhile, the opposite is happening with me. When we first decided to start dating I wanted to start first for several different reasons. I had some jealousy and esteem issues to work out before I could be not just okay, but happy for Alex to have a significant other. He knew he couldn’t date and that his attention had to be 100% on me in order for me to be comfortable with the situation. So I started dating, my confidence soared and he fell in love with me all over again. As soon as I was comfortable in Buckley and my relationship I told him he was able to date, with a couple rules in the beginning because I wasn’t sure how I would feel. Since then he has grown from happy & optimistic to jealous & depressed.
Life has been pretty chaotic for the last month. Everything seems to take such great effort. I have to make an effort to cook, clean and exercise. I just dont have the motivation I used to have. Alex and I have been arguing a little bit. Mostly about our spending habits. It’s not because I am making less money; it’s because of the months and months of unemployment. It ate up our savings. We need to try to get back on track. The thing is, we are dating now. So, it is even more important that we save for the occasions we will need to spend instead of excessive spending on a daily basis. Anyways. I have been feeling a bit down about our financial situation and have felt a little trapped too. There is no solution that sticks out to me for any of our problems. Getting back to where we were financially is going to take some time and patience.
I ended up taking the job at the retail company. I am very excited about my decision. It is a fun work environment and quite no nonsense. I am concerned a bit about how much I am being paid, but there is a lot of opportunity for wage increases as well as management positions. There is also opportunity to transfer. Not something I am looking at in the near future, but nice to see.
I’ve been laid off from my job *deep exhale* I’m now looking for my 6th job since I’ve been in Big City and have the unfortunate disadvantage of it being in the middle of summer and in a potential recession. The Great Depression lasted 10 years and it didn’t reach the bottom for 3 years. With the length of the “conflict” in the Middle East unknown combined with the current trend of our economy, I would like to make the most solid decision given what I know. I am writing this blog because next week I am walking into a situation where I may be offered two different jobs that will lead me down very different paths. I want to put down the pro’s and cons of both in order to make a wiser decision.
A deliberation of open thought.