Stranger in a Strange Land
I am noticing that I am particularly jealous of a specific type of girl. Girls that look the way I want to look. I feel those tight, powerful, angry jealousy feelings rising up in me when I think about Alex with a hot chick. Thank God I think that girl he had an affair with is hideously ugly. I’m sure she may be some guys types, but she is skinny as a board and smokes. I don’t get it. I still dont understand… but if she were hot I would be totally crushed. We had just spent the last year barely hanging on to our relationship, so I was able to see what lead up to the events and I can still retain my confidence. I could see that it wasn’t just Alex was looking for something that I didn’t have. If this women he had an affair with had great legs, tits, ass, teeth, eyes, hair and she was successful and rich I dont know how I would have gotten over that. It’s not only that I am jealous of her, it is the fact that I want to be like her. I have tried so hard to be beautiful & successful and I have failed, miserably, so far. That person would have been someone I wanted to be for me and for him and since I failed he had to find it elsewhere. But, luckily for my underdeveloped confidence, that is not the case at all. And because of her looks it was easier for me to see that he had the affair only to feel free.
Why would she have to be ugly (to me) for me to understand that? If that successful person came along, how can I be okay with that? I imagine I would have to understand that Alex loves me for who I am. And if he finds someone that may, in my imagination, be someone I envy that doesn’t mean that Alex was specifically looking for those qualities. Or that he is drawn to that person because she represents something that I cannot offer him. I just have to find a way to realize how special I am. If I can see that then I can realize that nothing will be taken away from our relationship. I have said before how I want to live in the moment. I want to be happy with who I am today. I’m tired of waiting to become the women I see myself as. I want to know who I am right now. A couple people have made some comments to me lately that have challenged the way I see myself. Yesterday, for some reason, a couple people decided to tell me what they thought of me. I was described as: sexy, beautiful, a turn on, thick and a tomboy. That day I had a roller coaster of perceptions about myself. I am just beginning to believe the first three. I found “thick” offensive, which I am thick so why would it bothered me? And, I have never had anyone ever call me a tomboy. I do not subscribe to live in the male gender role. I am a bit girly. Yes, I prefer hiking to attending an indoor gym and don’t wear a lot of makeup, and maybe I have more guy friends and enjoy playing video games, but that does not a tomboy make. Perhaps I am a little of all those things. These items don’t sum me up, but perhaps they are all characteristics that belong to me. It’s odd that I am just now wondering who I am. Better late than never.
A deliberation of open thought.
Dameon
April 26th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I know that my opinion cannot change your fundamental self-image, but for what its worth I was totally stricken by how beautiful you are when I first met you. I was enamoured by the time we met up for the movie and lunch and coffee. You have no reason to be jealous of anyone. If other girls are more “glamorous” in your eye, remember that you are more “comfortable” in theirs. You have a natural beauty that glam girls have to work very hard to compete with, and can only do so with makeup and clothes.
I soemtime’s have the same self-image issues. But it helps to know that there are people that I know that find me very attractive.
Hope it helps…
Princess
November 18th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Hey there, I came by tonight with excellent timing. I am glad that Alex has found someone and send my best to you and Buckley and Alex and Halo. I was reading this post as well as your new one and it struck me as odd how someone so beautiful as you could wonder how the world sees you, but I understand as I often wonder the same thing. I wonder who I am and if I make sense to anyone else on this planet. Am I unique or special or am I another person in the sea of millions who wants to be special and unique. Do you settle or do you go for broke, what are the limits and where will you end up. What I know is that I don’t give myself credit for my success and tend to focus on my failures and that I am interesting to most. I think about the roles that I play and I am not defined by any one perspective, I am a student, a manager, a wife, an employee and a problem solver. I am a woman who wants a glass of wine most nights and an occasional night out with patron. I love to laugh and I love people. My christmas wish lists consists of a gun, an expensive bottle of perfume and some loving. I love politics, outdoors, arguing, making love to my husband and people who offer a challenge. I have no patience for bullshit, drama or stupidity. I am a strong Christian, but believe in rights for gays and that society shouldn’t make abortion illegal. I wish that racism were no more, but believe that all races have to acept and acknowledge the problems that are prevelant to their race and/or culture; lets face it these executives who are costing the tax payers billions are pretty much 99% anglo. I can be a bitch or your best friend and it will depend on what I think you deserve. In my life I want to be a great mother, wife and business woman. I believe in standing up for what is right but may own a slightly skewed but rational to me perspective. I want success, but above all I want love and joy. I am who I am and I can be a complilation of mismatched items if I so choose, never be affraid to try something new, love who you are completely and don’t ever think that any one item can define the complete person who you are. Please discover the beautiful person that people get to see when they look at you. I suggest you make your list, I am surprised at times when I compare what I think I want to be with what my actual values are. But above all, take my word that you are wonderful and that anyone who is so lucky to be in your life is blessed to know you. I couldn’t tell you exactly who I am or where I am going to end up, but I will tell you that the more that I realize who I am the more I enjoy the trip that we call life. Live it up, love it up and live for the day today, but leave no regrets or ill will for tomorrow. Take care dear friend.