I’m in the middle of some emotions right now.  I like to write in order to work through emotions, but at this moment I know there is nothing I can do but wait for my answers.  I might as well write about what I am experiencing at this time.  Alex has found someone.  She is a really great person.  We are comfortable around each other and I feel like I have made a friend in her as well.  I am excited to see how our relationship will grow together.  They are getting along wonderfully and she has a couple friends that are poly and understands the whole situation.  Alex has been so cute.  He wants us to hang out as much as possible.  He wants Buckley to join us, but that has been quite difficult.  Buckley has so much going on I still only see him about once every other week.  It’s a funny feeling hanging out with Alex and Halo.  I haven’t felt like the 3rd wheel in a while.  I dont mind it at all.  I am happy they are together.  I would like the four of us to hang out, it’s just a logistical issue right now.

I’ve really started stressing out about how little I see Buckley.  I have such strong feelings for him and when so much time elapses between our visits it seems like we are starting over every time.  It’s nice because there is still so much excitement there, but I would prefer to be with him more and form a deeper relationship with him.  I could imagine that a deeper relationship is not what he needs right now.  On top of all the other responsibilities he has in life, he is also currently working through some issues with his ex-fiance.  They have been separated for about 3 years now and the issues that separated them are still unchanged.  She wants to be married and have kids and he isn’t ready for that.  May not ever be ready.  She is several years older than him and he feels she needs to move on.  They have visited each other a couple times since we have been together and this last time was over this weekend.  I asked him the the time before whether or not she knew we had an open relationship and he said that there are some things she knows and some she doesn’t.  I asked how he thought she might feel about being in an open relationship and he said she would want no part in it.  He assured me that they cannot be together and that he was not looking to get out of our relationship.  So, as long as she knows that we are together and is fine with seeing him for the weekend I was cool with it.  To my surprise, she came down again nearly a month later.  This time he asked me how I felt about them hanging out I had to answer honestly that I was scared.  It scared me that they were in love and wouldn’t be alright with me being there too.  How strong is their bond?  Would she one day take him away from me? He told me again that they cant be together.   He said he was going to talk to her this weekend and tell her that she cant come down as much.  That she needs to move on.

I haven’t heard from him since.  It is Monday after the weekend and all I want is to know what happened.   He is a procrastinator with a ton of responsibilities on his shoulders.  I know he doesn’t need this drama right now.  I’m trying my hardest to not make anything harder for him.  It takes every ounce of restraint to keep from texting him a simple “hi” to get the conversation rolling.  Did he talk with her? Did he ignore it the entire weekend just to have some peace? And then my imagination kicks into overdrive.  I am doing everything I can to NOT be optimistic about the situation.  I just dont want to get hurt if he doesn’t say what I want to hear.  There is no way for me to know what the future holds for me and Buckley.   And it is hard to feel like a girlfriend to someone who you only see a handful of times a month.  But I keep holding on.  I know what we have.  I know what I feel for him is something to hang on to.   I cant help falling for him every time I see him.  I want to go deeper but am unable to because of the space between us.  I’ll go days without speaking to him.  Unfortunately for me I cant go hours without thinking about him.  I really dont want to hold back my feelings for Buckley.  I also dont want Buckley to feel like another woman has gone mad for him.

If I dont feel pain then I never feel happiness.  And here I am forcing myself to not be happy in order to not feel sad.  I need to accept that it is out of my hands and live my life the best I can.  I know that his next term will bring less stress and more time.  I just hope he wants to spend some of his extra time on me.  I have to wait patiently.  Wait to hear about the weekend, wait to see what next term holds and wait to see how our relationship grows.