Two whole month this post has been standing over me.  I never knew how to approach it.  One minute I wanted to talk about how I missed him and the next I wanted him out of my mind.  It’s difficult to write about something that your body wont let you.  I do miss Buckley.  I’m sorry to say that two month later and still a day doesn’t go by that I dont think of him at least once.  There are so many things about him that I miss.  I miss how genuine he was.  He never allowed himself to be anyone else when he was with me.  He let me get to know him on his deepest level.  I think about this and I miss him; but then I suddenly realize that he never inquired into who I was.  He never read my blog.  I asked him to once.  He said he would.  I told him part of it was sad and he said he wouldn’t read it then.  “It’s all in the past, right?” he said; which I agreed upon.  But there is so much more there that I’m not used to sharing with people.  I didn’t know how to be intimate with him and he never inquired.

Another thing I miss most about him is how passionate he was towards me.  I miss how he felt in my arms.  I miss how he looked at me and held my hand as we walked.   I miss his music.  I miss his positivity.  But I’ve learned something over the studying I have done recently and this time away from him.   Theodore Reik believed “Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are and, more especially, who you want to be.”  I have never said this to anyone but, I loved Buckley.   Individuals choose mates who satisfy important needs, but most especially qualities they lack.  Buckley brought to me so much that I was missing.  I found a void that I never even realized existed until it was brought to light by him.  Alas, I can’t have him.  What can I do but fill this void myself?  I already consider myself a very genuine person.  I am also very passionate.  I can easily hold hands and reciprocate affection when it is given to me.  I am even attempting to bring music into my life directly by learning to play the violin.  It is something I have wanted to learn since I was in middle school.  The positivity…  well, that seems to be getting me into trouble.  Perhaps there is a shade of grey and I can be positive without being too overly hopeful, which can sometimes wind up in the naive category.

I saw me in him.  I saw him in me.  But more especially he has revealed to me what I am missing; things I can have even without him.  I have to believe that his decision was in the best interest of us both.  I want to be more like him; never mind his faults.  Love has got to be the highest compliment you can give someone.  I’m sorry he has missed this.  But, I am hopeful in my quest to find love again and most importantly feel what it is like for another to fall madly in love with me.