Stranger in a Strange Land
When we first decided to look around I was still working on jealousy and possession issues so I wanted to ensure either we dated a couple together or I dated first. I realized quite rapidly that there is no shortage of swingers in Big City. I’m not the swinging type and wanted to find a poly couple to be with. We gave it our best effort. We were looking for a couple whom were on the same page as us and we are all four attracted to each other. No problem, right? Since I wasn’t in the dating scene I didn’t realize the challenge I would be up against. We met some interesting characters. I learned a lot from the experience. We didn’t meet anyone interesting enough to pursue, instead we realized what a great relationship we have together. Seeing people trying to fix their marriage by being more sexually open instead of just opening up to each other was a reality check. I realized how great we are together, we communicate well and trust each other. This new philosophy may just work for us. We decided to put that on the side for a while and I switched my focus to finding someone open to being with a married woman.
I am starting to feel creative again. I got a new sewing machine. Well, not new. My mom sent me a vintage Singer and I am excited to start using it. I recently finished painting my guest room, which came our really nice. I made the stencil and hand painted the design. I also really want to think of my work as a hobby. I have been interested in the workforce. I studied management in college and took sociology, ethics, motivation and psychology classes for electives. I feel I have the knowledge and personality for this field. I really hope I pick it up quickly and start bringing in some business. I took a break from everything last weekend though. I got to spend some time with my sweetheart, Buckley. Alex went to his hometown with his sisters to spend the weekend with Jack. I stayed back to enjoy a little bit of independence.
It’s been an eventful month. The run away train I have been on has seemed to found its way onto a comfortable new track. I feel stabilized again. I am in my first week of my new job. I am feeling calm and have started to explore the dating scene.
I wanted to share a little background on us to point out how the last 8 years of our lives together have been a little off course from our earlier years.
Alex is a very social person. It’s funny that I never saw it until now. I never realized how much it means to him to be around groups of people. He loves entertaining, I do too. We love having people over. In the last town we lived in we lived in the center. We were surrounded by the hot spots and everyone hung out at our place. Our house shouts it. It is created to have people in it, having fun.
I am noticing that I am particularly jealous of a specific type of girl. Girls that look the way I want to look. I feel those tight, powerful, angry jealousy feelings rising up in me when I think about Alex with a hot chick. Thank God I think that girl he had an affair with is hideously ugly. I’m sure she may be some guys types, but she is skinny as a board and smokes. I don’t get it. I still dont understand… but if she were hot I would be totally crushed. We had just spent the last year barely hanging on to our relationship, so I was able to see what lead up to the events and I can still retain my confidence. I could see that it wasn’t just Alex was looking for something that I didn’t have. If this women he had an affair with had great legs, tits, ass, teeth, eyes, hair and she was successful and rich I dont know how I would have gotten over that. It’s not only that I am jealous of her, it is the fact that I want to be like her. I have tried so hard to be beautiful & successful and I have failed, miserably, so far. That person would have been someone I wanted to be for me and for him and since I failed he had to find it elsewhere. But, luckily for my underdeveloped confidence, that is not the case at all. And because of her looks it was easier for me to see that he had the affair only to feel free.
Love at first site. Why are we drawn to someone at first glance? Why would others have to work for my interest? Some say it is chemistry, some people claim it is your souls recognizing their counterparts, or that the people were connected in past lives and are drawn to each other because of past life experiences, and others can only explain it as Cupid’s Arrows. I believe in love at first site. I fell in love with Alex the moment I saw him. I will try to explain the feeling. I was drawn to him. I know he was special. He was beautiful and I felt a connection with him. He actually felt like he was what I was missing. Like I had been searching for him and finally found him. It was a relief and a comfort to be around him. But, why does this happen?
Alex and I have begun discussing our poly philosophy. I have been so satisfied with him throughout our entire relationship that I have never really looked around. Sure I had some missed opportunities to have deeper relationships with other men, but I didn’t feel like I was lacking anything. I cuddled up to him on the couch and felt at home. We lay next to each other embracing. He makes me so happy. I thought for a second that he is all I need. And I told him that there is no reason why he couldn’t continue on the poly path and I just stay where I am… in a mono relationship with him. I have a couple hurdles to cross, but I want him to be as happy as me. He looked at me and said, “That is very selfless. I don’t deserve you.”
One week into unemployment. It has been a crazy ride. It’s been really nice too. I have been working out, sunbathing and meeting people. I had my first job interview today as well. It was, surprisingly, the easiest job interview of my life. Not sure what all aided in that, but I can tell I am more relaxed. One of the most fascinating things I found was that I was only answering the questions in the way I saw fit. I wasn’t telling them what they wanted to hear or trying to come up with the most witty and original answer I could think of. I just told them what I thought and that was what they wanted to hear. It felt good. It made me feel like if I were to get the job there, it truly would be a place I would be happy to work at. That is very surprising.
One of my biggest hindrances is living in the future. I’m a planner at heart. I was constantly planning the future instead of living in the moment. Day dreams consumed my every free thought. I would day dream about being a successful business woman. I already had everything else a person needed. I had a supportive and beautiful husband, a nice car and we bought a house. The only thing I was lacking was my own pride, power and prestige. Along with day dreaming I would read a lot of books. I wanted to saturate my brain with management, motivation and ethics studies. When the day came for me to act, I would, and I would be great.
A deliberation of open thought.