Stranger in a Strange Land
Alex & I just got back from a nearly 2 week vacation. We packed some bags and went back to the town we lived in while I was in college. It was such a nice escape. Even though 3 years had passed since we had been back nobody had changed. Everyone was doing the same thing, looked the same and acted the same. It was as if we never left. We even got to stay in our old place (now being rented furnished) and drive our old car (we sold to a friend before we left). Besides the long and nerve racking flights to and from, the trip couldn’t have been more relaxing. We enjoyed great food, company, scenery and even went to a day spa.
I did it. Went in last Friday and handed the boss the ‘ole resignation letter. He wanted to do a quick exit interview and I complied. He then flipped over my carefully put together and highly professional resignation letter and began scribbling a few things on the back. He said he wanted me to be completely truthful about the reason’s I was leaving and I had no problem with that, in fact I was really looking forward to it. I told him that I disagreed with the policies of the organization and could not continue to be a part of it. I told him I did not approve of the way we treated our customers and did not approve of the way my coworkers were being treated.
The right track, yes. But definitely not the fast track. It has been several weeks since I found out. Now that I am writing this I wonder what happened to make me so miserable again? Didn’t love conquer all?
The truth. I can handle the cold, dark, painful truth.
The next day at work I didn’t get anything done. I sensed urgency so I refused to let the issue lie. I searched Wiki articles on open marriage, swinging, polyamory, monogamy, and anything else that had a link to it gathering information to try to make sense of things. There were several dead ends I was running into.
What did he mean by us living by our own rules? I waited until we were both home from work and ask for more clarification. I felt that there was something that I was missing. Slowly on our drive I asked questions and slowly and carefully Alex answered them to the best of his ability, being very careful not to spark any fires. I seriously thought that in our last conversation he was telling me things were bad, he was considering leaving me, but everything has changed and all he wants is me. He, on the other hand, did have those thoughts but was also unwavering on the open relationship. He was so sure that that was the key to a happy life. Having his sweet, innocent, beloved Pineapple and continue to hold relationships with any other woman that seemed intriguing. He thought I understood and I was accepting of the idea. He thought that I had considered it also and we were on the same page. It couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
I guess I should begin. We have been living in Big City, USA for about 3 years now. I came with such hopes. I graduated with my bachelor’s degree and knew exactly what I wanted to do. All I had to do was show up and start my life. It has been one disappointment after another. I have not been able to catch a break and now I am on the job market for the 5th time in 3 years. Nothing has gone as planned; in fact the opposite has occurred. I have always blamed the city. Always thinking that if I were still in Little Town, USA things would be different. Employers would respect me and see my qualities. I would be part of a community. I would have friends. My only sanctuary here was my home. I completely regret not taking better care of it. I had my priorities backwards. All I could think about was my (lack of) career. It encompassed my thoughts. Looking back at it now it just seems like 3 years of wasted time. 3 years of ignoring myself and my husband to pursue something that now seems so insignificant. My career is not going to make me who I am. My family and friends will.
I’m a blogger now:) The internet is a powerful thing. Endless knowledge. I love it. In the last couple of weeks I have been searching for answers and I found myself grateful for multiple bloggs I ran across. It was so comforting to know there are people out there that have been through what I have and survived. It makes me feel like I do belong in this machine that we call Earth. That I am not alone.
A deliberation of open thought.